Twilight Zone. Let me wake up!!

Sitting here looking at the 6 inch incision on knee and wondering. What the F*** did I have them do to me. My knee wasn't hurting much just a minor ache and all of a sudden I'm told in a nonchalant way. " You're MRI states that you have Pigmented Villonodular Synovitis." replying, "oh, all right, thanks, bye." I gotta check this out. Typing into the computer P..I..G..M.. I had the worse time remembering the name of a disease that would become a central part of my life. I had even more difficulty visualizing the destructive process. It didn't hurt...I had them slice it open...now it hurts and I can't move around like I want to. Now phase two of the attack, radiation therapy. I'm not looking forward to driving into the city every day because I am already very fatigued. Not to mention my apprehension of the sort and long term side effects. In my gut I know that the pvns will just return if I don't have radiation. Even with radiation I know that there is still a good chance of it returning. Almost 4 weeks out and I'm really tired of hurting and not being able to do what I want. This disease scares me and today I feel overwhelmed due to non pvns events that happened this weekend.

My brother in-law is 29 and has been dating this 20 year old girl. I call her a girl because she has been sheltered from the world, still living at home, turns half her pay check over to her parents, very religious, only wears grey and black dresses below the knee, and has no real world experience that allows one to develop into an adult. The family just met this girl for the first time at Christmas. I thought she was a lovely girl who is exactly where she should be at 20 years of age, however much too young and different then Keith. My concern is that my brother in law didn't show his real personality when she was around. He kept scanning his speech and apologizing for things that he said.

Opposites may attract but they don't stay together and these two couldn't be more different.  He loves her because she is pure, righteous and pretty (a child). Two weeks later we're informed "guess what"....yep you guessed it. Miss perfect experienced an immaculate conception, so much for being pure. As if this wasn't enough to choke on, they plan to get married within the next few weeks. So far I have called everything that was going to happen up to this point. I hope I'm wrong on everything else. I really wanted to like her at Christmas but felt she was a horrible match for Keith (who seems to be happy about the baby). She seems nice enough and it's not that I disliked her at Christmas but her personality was flat and she seemed disinterested in what was going on. We have a family tradition of feeding the donkeys and since she is allergic to animals (another strike against her) my brother in law and her didn't participate. Between baby and marriage miss perfect just fell several rungs in my book.

This is why I'm angry: They both came to Christmas on false pretenses. She was a last minute add on and I believe we wouldn't have met her again this year if it wasn't for the pregnancy. They have been together and broke up a few times during the one year that they have been dating.  I wanted Keith to find a sister in law that I could relate to and as couples we could do things together when we visited each other. I knew Keith would have kids one day but this all seems like a guaranteed set up for failure and a lot of heart ache. There is no such thing as an oops pregnancy. If you don't take precautions you are planning to get pregnant. Don't tell  me "surprise." The marriage failure rate is appalling even in the best circumstances, but take two people who don't really know each other and introduce the stresses of a pregnancy and a rushed marriage... the deck is stacked against the long term survival of the family unit. In the mean time Aunts, uncle, grandmas, grandpas come to love this child only to be told at a later date " We're divorcing so you're no longer going to be a part of this child's life."  Just because 2 people can make a baby doesn't mean that they should be together, and don't make another mistake and rush into marriage. This whole subject has always made me angry. Now I'm force into accepting her and all of the changes that she is forcing onto the family dynamics. Now there will always be a baby tagging along and honestly that makes me feel sick to my stomach. Worse yet I have to become a fake so I don't cause any waves and that's not setting well with me at all.  I want my brother in law to be happy but why does he have to make me so miserable in the process.

I had my first child at 17 but I had been on my own for 1 1/2 years, my own apartment, car and a second business started and I was married before I got pregnant.  I can't emphasis strongly enough that "I don't want anything to do with babies!!" I don't like them, they aren't cute they actually look like old toothless men, nor are they a gift well maybe a Trojan gift...human babies are succubus's being totally dependent for years on someone caring for their every need. I have much better things to talk about than baby spit up, gas or how many times the kid poops.  To sit as a hostage in a room for hours pretending to enjoy hearing about all the new things their baby is doing, is cruel and unusual punishment. I understand parents must convince themselves that they like all of these awful things about babies in order to ensure survival of the species and to keep them from committing suicide. Parents please listen to me..no one else wants to know about those things and spit up is not cute. It's the kiss of death to honestly describe how a baby looks. If someone says they want to see all of your kids pictures beware because they only want to show off their own kids pictures. I thought my husband felt the same way about kids.  I know he doesn't want any (which isn't going to happen with me) but it scares me to see his unanticipated calm reaction, which makes him unrecognizable to me. The last time someone was unrecognizable to me...my entire world was destroyed. Peace out.