PVNS, 1 wk Post Knee Manipulation, Feeling Sad

Awoke again at 1:30 a.m. due to pain. I hate taking medication and I'm tired of feeling drugged. Yesterday in physical therapy with the therapists help I reached 113° with my knee and I'm more easily able to do full rotations on the bike. After pt I return home ice, elevate, strap into cpm machine and deal with the dry heaves from working out so hard. Having the manipulation in many ways was like starting all over again except I don't have to have any more radiation.  The pain and swelling aren't quite as bad but it is still very similar to my experienced just after surgery.  The only difference is that my muscles are now stronger. I would advise that people build up the muscles of the effected joint prior to surgery.

I could scream,  I'm just so sick of my life revolving around pt, being immobile, pain and doctor appointments. I admire the people that have gone through this over and over but there is no way I could go through it again. PVNS is really a horribly shitty diagnosis.

I dream of the day that I can complain about having to go to work. Until then I'm trying to take advantage of my time off and finishing the many projects that I never have time to do. For the last 1 1/2 weeks I've been spending my days organizing a life time of photos and scanning them into my computer. I'll finish that project today and I can't wait. Sifting through the past has been challenging as I realize the memories that I have regained after being in a coma are 75% bad. A publisher once told me "going through trauma is good for writing books because people eat that shit up" he wanted me to dive deeper into the trauma. Instead of a rewrite I threw my manuscript in the trash. I don't want people to be entertained by the trauma that I've experienced but to learn from it.  Next I have a couple file drawers full of documents that need to be scanned in also. I figure it's a productive thing to do since I have to be in the cpm 10-12 hrs a day.  Yesterday I didn't do so well and was in it only a few hours. I then shut it off and told Steve " I just can't take any more pain tonight." I'm thankful for the machine but between the knee, back, a spot in my eyebrow that is suspicious and having to have a follow up ct of my lungs... I'm having difficulty staying happy. I'm not in a good space right now but I know time goes fast and this drama will end. I'm just feeling like a useless, drugged, bum that doesn't have any energy to enjoy being off work. Enough whoa is me...I'm in a very good shitty situation and really don't have any reason to complain.

PVNS, 4 Days Post Knee Manipulation Support

I couldn't continue taking the steroids that were helping to control the swelling. They give me horrible headaches, vertigo and nausea. With that said yesterday my knee started to swell more but by the end of the day I was flexing it to 110° with much pain. Even with taking the max amount of pain reliever I was still hurting and woke up after only sleeping two hours. Ice and elevation seems to be the only thing that really makes a big difference. This morning I'm pushing 90° and will be on my way to physical therapy soon. I'm currently in PT 4 times a week for at least an hour.  I don't care how much it hurts to bend my knee I refuse to lose  any range of motion period. I know eventually it will quite hurting but until that day I'm trying not to complain. PT went well and I'm back home strapped into the cpm machine.

My sweet husband woke up to find me on the couch once again. In a real pathetic manner I just mumbled "I don't want to hurt anymore." He made his lunch, moved the car, gave me a new ice bag and made sure I had everything that I needed. He takes very good care of me as I would him in the same situation.  You never know when the tables may turn so it is comforting to know that someone has your back. He is such a sweet heart and I couldn't love him more, even though I do every day. He may think that I get rather mushy at times because I'm always telling him how much I love, appreciate and admire him. The truth is that I was once in an unhealthy relationship and so I appreciate and let it be known how very fortunate we are to have found each other.

In 2003 I was in hospice and given a week to live. At that time the one thing that saddened me more than anything is knowing that I had never experienced a loving, respectful spousal relationship and I would die knowing that my spouse didn't love me. I later told my ex this since at that time we were still together after 20+ years and raised 3 children.  He said "quit feeling sorry for yourself." Wow, and we had just attended a friends funeral. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself just a realization. I honestly didn't think that he could go lower than that but he surprised me and did.

I knew that I had yet to experience the most important thing this life has to offer. I didn't expect to find my soul mate and I wasn't looking. Steve came to my door to fix an electrical problem and I have literally laughed every day since. There isn't anyone else on this earth that I would rather spend time and experiences with. That's why at times I look into his eyes and almost cry. Knowing he accepts all of the good and bad that comes with this package and that he loves and laughs at my quirkiness. If I died today I can say that I have had a full life and experienced and learned everything that was important to me.  I experienced love and learned how to be happy by myself or with another.

PVNS, Manipulation Under Anesthesia Procedure

I had my MUA (manipulation under anesthesia) for my knee yesterday. Originally I had an open knee synovectomy on December 14th 2011 and was making good progress with my range of motion. I then underwent 17 treatments of radiation in February/March and at that time due to swelling I had to decrease my efforts in physical therapy.  Radiation treatment can cause stiffness due to adhesions forming and that's what happened to me. I found that my range of motion was stuck at 81° for 3 weeks so I made an appointment with my surgeon. She told me that with hard work I would continue to make some progress but in the end I wouldn't be happy with the results.

I arrived at the hospital pre op 2 hours prior to surgery and they took my medical history and started an IV. I then spoke to the anesthesiologist about getting a nerve block which numbs the knee for about 36 hours. He and the surgeon agreed that it would be a good idea since I have difficulty taking enough pain medication to control the discomfort without getting sick. Getting the nerve block does have some risks and it is momentarily uncomfortable but for me it was worth it.

They rolled me into the operating room and gave me the happy juice that knocked me out cold. The manipulation procedure only takes about 15 minutes. They just bend the knee and break up the scar tissue that has been restricting the movement. I believe she got it to 110°. If you are too ggressive there is a possibility of fracturing a bone or damaging ligaments.

I awoke in post op in a great deal of pain (tears) and they ended up giving me 2 IV doses of morphine. I didn't have any problems with the first dose but after the second injection my arm started itching bad and then my veins became engorged with blood finally hives started emerging all over my arm.  At that point I remembered that when I had to inject the morphine in my port (another issue) I would get itchy. It's not an allergy but I'm getting more sensitive to it. Anyhow they gave me some IV Benedryl and that halted the reaction. Thank goodness. On a good note the morphine got the pain under control and shortly afterwards I was able to go home. I brought crutches to the hospital and since I could put weight on my leg I used them the first day as a safety measure because my knee was numb.

I had a CPM machine waiting for me at home and since my leg was quite numb I didn't have any problem going from my base of 70° to 110° max movement of the machine by morning. I spend more time in the cpm  because it feels better to keep moving my knee. I didn't have to take any pain medication until about 20 hours after surgery and that's just because I want to stay on top of the discomfort as the nerve block begins to wear off.

I went to physical therapy today and my therapist said he was watching as I walked in and said that he hasn't ever seen me walk that good. For the first time since the synovectomy I was able to make full rotations on the bike. I can't tell you how exciting that was. We did another full evaluation and I could bend my knee to 107°... with his help 110° but after he worked on it for a few minutes he got it to 118°.    He says that 120° is a functional goal. When I returned home from physical therapy I took some meds and strapped back into the CPM. I was very frightened to have this procedure done but I am very pleased with the results.

PVNS, Manipulation; emotional response

Bone Tired

Done! Finished! I Can’t Take Any More!

April 7, 2012

I have to go back in the hospital and have them do a knee manipulation because I’m stuck at 81 degrees. The thought of them forcing movement of my knee to break up scar tissue is almost an unbearable thought. Since I found out I just want to cry and I feel like I did something wrong. I have done everything that I was supposed to do but with the swelling caused by radiation I had to cut back on physical therapy. Not to mention radiation causes stiffness and scar tissue to form. I still don’t regret getting radiation but it has not been an easy road. Then I was told I have to wait until April 18th. At this point the thought of sitting out of the game of life for 2 more weeks before I can begin healing again fills me with anxiety about the impending pain coming my way. 

What do you do when you just can’t take any more? When fate continues to throw shit at you? When you are overwhelmed with issues and your brain shuts down? When you barely have enough mental energy to crawl in a closet and shut out the fate monster? Hell if I know that’s why I’m asking you. Ha Ha

Personally I’ve been in much worse situations and survived. You would think that the more things that you overcome the easier it becomes to handle the crap...but it doesn’t work that way, it actually becomes more difficult to handle. Sure you pick up coping skills as you tackle difficult problems but those skills don’t lessen the pain and psychological stress of additional procedures and illnesses. I just think to myself “God damn not again!” My abdominal muscles are becoming very strong from sucking in my gut handling things. 

I certainly don’t feel strong yet I know that I am. I’m anything but courageous...I’ve just had situations where I had no other choice but to push through my fears and anxiety and say “what the fuck” and move forward. I’ll write about some of those situations at a later date. Today I just have a lot of questions and I’m bone tired but I'm still smiling.