PVNS, Manipulation; emotional response

Bone Tired

Done! Finished! I Can’t Take Any More!

April 7, 2012

I have to go back in the hospital and have them do a knee manipulation because I’m stuck at 81 degrees. The thought of them forcing movement of my knee to break up scar tissue is almost an unbearable thought. Since I found out I just want to cry and I feel like I did something wrong. I have done everything that I was supposed to do but with the swelling caused by radiation I had to cut back on physical therapy. Not to mention radiation causes stiffness and scar tissue to form. I still don’t regret getting radiation but it has not been an easy road. Then I was told I have to wait until April 18th. At this point the thought of sitting out of the game of life for 2 more weeks before I can begin healing again fills me with anxiety about the impending pain coming my way. 

What do you do when you just can’t take any more? When fate continues to throw shit at you? When you are overwhelmed with issues and your brain shuts down? When you barely have enough mental energy to crawl in a closet and shut out the fate monster? Hell if I know that’s why I’m asking you. Ha Ha

Personally I’ve been in much worse situations and survived. You would think that the more things that you overcome the easier it becomes to handle the crap...but it doesn’t work that way, it actually becomes more difficult to handle. Sure you pick up coping skills as you tackle difficult problems but those skills don’t lessen the pain and psychological stress of additional procedures and illnesses. I just think to myself “God damn not again!” My abdominal muscles are becoming very strong from sucking in my gut handling things. 

I certainly don’t feel strong yet I know that I am. I’m anything but courageous...I’ve just had situations where I had no other choice but to push through my fears and anxiety and say “what the fuck” and move forward. I’ll write about some of those situations at a later date. Today I just have a lot of questions and I’m bone tired but I'm still smiling.