Awoke again at 1:30 a.m. due to pain. I hate taking medication and I'm tired of feeling drugged. Yesterday in physical therapy with the therapists help I reached 113° with my knee and I'm more easily able to do full rotations on the bike. After pt I return home ice, elevate, strap into cpm machine and deal with the dry heaves from working out so hard. Having the manipulation in many ways was like starting all over again except I don't have to have any more radiation. The pain and swelling aren't quite as bad but it is still very similar to my experienced just after surgery. The only difference is that my muscles are now stronger. I would advise that people build up the muscles of the effected joint prior to surgery.
I could scream, I'm just so sick of my life revolving around pt, being immobile, pain and doctor appointments. I admire the people that have gone through this over and over but there is no way I could go through it again. PVNS is really a horribly shitty diagnosis.
I dream of the day that I can complain about having to go to work. Until then I'm trying to take advantage of my time off and finishing the many projects that I never have time to do. For the last 1 1/2 weeks I've been spending my days organizing a life time of photos and scanning them into my computer. I'll finish that project today and I can't wait. Sifting through the past has been challenging as I realize the memories that I have regained after being in a coma are 75% bad. A publisher once told me "going through trauma is good for writing books because people eat that shit up" he wanted me to dive deeper into the trauma. Instead of a rewrite I threw my manuscript in the trash. I don't want people to be entertained by the trauma that I've experienced but to learn from it. Next I have a couple file drawers full of documents that need to be scanned in also. I figure it's a productive thing to do since I have to be in the cpm 10-12 hrs a day. Yesterday I didn't do so well and was in it only a few hours. I then shut it off and told Steve " I just can't take any more pain tonight." I'm thankful for the machine but between the knee, back, a spot in my eyebrow that is suspicious and having to have a follow up ct of my lungs... I'm having difficulty staying happy. I'm not in a good space right now but I know time goes fast and this drama will end. I'm just feeling like a useless, drugged, bum that doesn't have any energy to enjoy being off work. Enough whoa is me...I'm in a very good shitty situation and really don't have any reason to complain.
No comments:
Post a Comment