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| Yoda Jedi Master |
Autoimmune Testing
Finally finished with all of the massive amount of testing for immune deficiency and auto immune disease workup. Fortunately all of the tests came back good and at least for me there isn't any type of connection with those types of diseases and the PVNS. This was important to check out since I've been feeling so poorly and due to the possible recurrence of PVNS at the 6 mo follow-up. Well that was the good news but my brilliant research rheumatologist asked if I wanted her to tell me the truth. I'm thinking, hmmm??? No!!! because it doesn't sound like anything that I want to hear, on the other hand yes!! because that's why I'm here. Now the problem with hearing the truthful answers to my many questions is that it can be quite difficult to swallow, internalize and digest.
Not Fibromyalgia
My doctor was unconsciously shaking her head as she mulled over my extensive medical history. Reviewing the long list of illness, injury and trauma... she explained how each malady and it's residual effects has effected my body long term. She eventually looked at me and stated in a very serious manner "You have residual effects from previous illness, arthritis, PVNS, a chronic pain syndrome and polyneuropathy that is making you feel so bad...and no you don't have fibromyalgia." "Your pain is severe and has known physical causes which means that you need to trust and work with your pain management doctor." Now I'm usually the eternal optimist but not today. Today I am crushed knowing that I will never enjoy another day without pain. Some days will be better and some worse but never pain free.
Momentary Despair
This is a day that I wish to forget my weaknesses. Today I will cry a river for my broken spirit. I will curse my knee for giving-way nearly hurdling me down stairs. I will huddle in a corner and hide from bills, worries and responsibilities. Today I will mourn for the activities that my body refuses to participate in. My mind is young but my flesh has aged beyond its years and is foreign to me. With this insight I acknowledge my shame and fears. Before giving in to total despair let me take a closer look at my life.
Memories of No Hope
Today, I also cringe at a road map of scars which has built a bridge of memories. I crawl into my past filled with battles won and lost, times of sadness and great joy. I look at photos of myself in a wheelchair... remembering the doctor telling me that I must accept this fate. I refused and today I smile for I walk. Today I confidently breathe knowing that only a few short years ago I had was attached to high flow oxygen, an IV providing continuous morphine, a tube inserted into my intestines to provide nourishment and a life expectancy of a week. I have bled and suffered to save strangers lives...for those occasions I am most proud. This pride and strength allows me to stand tall in the face of all adversity. It doesn't matter how deep your river may be for the importance lies in how well and quickly you are able to build a bridge, cross the river of tears and continue on your journey.
I am not a physician and the above is in no way to be taken as medical advise. This is my interpretation of what I have been told by my physicians and from what I have read. Always consult with a professional for case specific accurate information.
